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\documentclass[12pt]{article}

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\usepackage{fontspec}
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\setromanfont{Georgia}

\usepackage{dramatist}

\usepackage{geometry}
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\begin{document}



\Character[Trevor]{\textbf{TREVOR}}{trevor}
\Character[Milan]{\textbf{MILAN}}{milan}


\scene[]


	
\StageDir{
    \begin{center} Trevor is carefully cleaning his barbershop when Milan enters
     \end{center}
}



\begin{drama}



\trevorspeaks Good morning, sir!
	
\milanspeaks Morning.

\trevorspeaks Yes sir, I do believe we're in for a spell as they used to say in the music halls. Not too hot, but not too mild neither..

\milanspeaks Mmm.

\trevorspeaks Re: the weekend just past, might I enquire as to whether sir was in receipt of an enjoyableness, or did events prove themselves to be of an otherwise nature?

\milanspeaks Very pleasant thank you.

\trevorspeaks ``Very pleasant thank you.'' Thank \emph{you} sir! Then might I take it sir that for that period you were not within the boundaries of Lincolnshire, where I understand it rained like a bitch.

\milanspeaks No, I was nowhere near Lincolnshire.

\trevorspeaks Sir, I am uplifted to hear such news.

\milanspeaks My wife and I spent the weekend in Hull.



\StageDir{
    \begin{center} Milan sits on the barber chair
     \end{center}
}



\trevorspeaks Sir is married?

\milanspeaks Yes.

\trevorspeaks I had literally no idea.

\milanspeaks Well never mind \ldots\ 

\trevorspeaks Sir, my remissness in failing to felicitate sir upon the joyousness and good tidings is something I fear I shall have to live with for the rest of my life.

\trevorspeaks Now to business. Being one of the shrewdest sirs who has ever swum into my purview, may I take it that sir is keen to exploit the social and financial advantages inherent in having a hair cut?

\milanspeaks A haircut, that's right.

\trevorspeaks Of course. A hair cut is a hair enhanced! If sir will entirely fail to slash my throatlet for being so old. Now sir, the hair in question is \ldots\ ? 

\milanspeaks What?

\trevorspeaks The hair presently under advisement belongs to ... ?

\milanspeaks What do you mean?

\trevorspeaks What do I mean?

\milanspeaks It's my hair. I want you to cut my hair. 

\trevorspeaks So your own hair is the hair upon which this entire transaction is to be founded?

\milanspeaks Well of course! Why would I come in here to get you to cut someone else's hair?

\trevorspeaks Sir. Please set fire to my legs if I am trying to make haircutting sound more romantic and glamorous that it really is, but believe me when I tell you that in my position you cannot be too careful. 

\milanspeaks Really?



\StageDir{
    \begin{center} Trevor carefully wraps a white sheet around Milan's neck.
     \end{center}
}



\trevorspeaks Yes indeed sir. Once and only once, have I had to cut the hair of a a gentleman against his will. And believe me when I tell you it was both difficult \emph{and} impossible. 

\milanspeaks No, well it's my hair.

\trevorspeaks Now, sir, we proceed to that most important of stages: Which one? 



\StageDir{
    \begin{center} Trevor continues adding additional sheets while speaking.
     \end{center}
}



\milanspeaks Which one what? 

\trevorspeaks Which of the manifold hairs upon sir's crisp and twinkling heady would sir like to place in my professional care for the purposes of securing an encutment.

\milanspeaks All of them!

\trevorspeaks All of them?

\milanspeaks Yes!

\trevorspeaks Sir is absolutely sure?

\milanspeaks Of course I'm sure. What's the matter with you?

\trevorspeaks I seek not to question the drasticity of sir's decision, only to express the profoundness of my humblings at the prospect of such a magnificent task.

\milanspeaks Well, all of them.

\trevorspeaks All of them. My word.

\milanspeaks Is that a problem?

\trevorspeaks No indeed sir! No indeed sir! Not a problem sir. I merely hope that sir can take time off from what I know is a very hectic schedule to appreciate that for me to cut all the hairs on sir's head represents the snow-capped summit of a barber's career.

\milanspeaks Well you've done it before, haven't you?



\StageDir{
    \begin{center} Trevor laughs heartily
     \end{center}
}



\trevorspeaks Oh, yes indeed sir! Yes, I once cut all the hairs on a gentleman's head in Cairo, shortly after the War, when the world was in uproar and to a young man everything seemed possible.

\milanspeaks Once?

\trevorspeaks It would be bootless to deny that I was a younger and better-looking barber then, but let's hope that the magic has not entirely disappeared up its own rabbit hole. We shall see. We shall see!

\milanspeaks Wait a minute here! Wait one cotton-picking minute here!

\trevorspeaks Sir?

\milanspeaks You've cut someone's hair, all of it that is, once since the war?

\trevorspeaks Sir would prefer that in the sphere of total hair cuttation, I was to him a virgin?

\milanspeaks I beg your pardon?

\trevorspeaks Yes, that I can respect.

\milanspeaks What?

\trevorspeaks The desire that we should both embark upon this journey together as innocents, as wide-eyed travellers to a foreign land, unknowning of our fate, careless of our destination --- to emerge some day, somewhere --- bruised, sad, a little wiser perhaps, but ultimately and joyously alive.

\milanspeaks Goodbye



\StageDir{
    \begin{center} Trevor snaps his scissors together near Milan's head. Milan stands to leave
     \end{center}
}



\trevorspeaks Sir is leaving?



\StageDir{
    \begin{center} Trevor and Milan look directly at each other and break character.
     \end{center}
}



\milanspeaks I don't believe you have the faintest idea as to how you're going to end this.

\trevorspeaks Sir could not be more wrong if he tried.

\milanspeaks Oh really

\trevorspeaks Yes!

\milanspeaks Well go on then.

\milanspeaks Now you see, you're completely stuck.

\trevorspeaks No, no, I can convincingly end this sketch in forty-five seconds.

\milanspeaks Forty-five seconds?

\trevorspeaks Forty five seconds.

\milanspeaks All right then: off you go!


\StageDir{
    \begin{center} Returning to character.
     \end{center}
}


\trevorspeaks Um, um. If sir would care to resume the seatedness of his posture?

\milanspeaks Okie doke


\StageDir{
    \begin{center} Milan sits back down
     \end{center}
}


\trevorspeaks May I assume that sir is close to the maximum level of comfort?

\milanspeaks Forty seconds

\trevorspeaks Very good. I shall just go and fetch the necessary tools.



\StageDir{
    \begin{center} Trevor leaves via the eastern stairwell. He does not return. Milan peers at the doorway.
     \end{center}
}



\milanspeaks Haha. It's going to be a chainsaw or \ldots\



\StageDir{
    \begin{center} Long pause. Milan realises he has been left holding the baby. Resignedly, he delivers his final line straight to the audience:
     \end{center}
}



\milanspeaks Fuck.



\end{drama}


	
\end{document}