Perhaps one way to interpret the global situation is that World War Three is happening, except that it is not between states but against the state itself as conceived in the Westphalian system, insofar as it pays no regard to ecological reality.
Author: Milan
In the spring of 2005, I graduated from the University of British Columbia with a degree in International Relations and a general focus in the area of environmental politics. Between 2005 and 2007 I completed an M.Phil in IR at Wadham College, Oxford. I worked for five years for the Canadian federal government, including completing the Accelerated Economist Training Program, and then completed a PhD in Political Science at the University of Toronto in 2023.
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00:00
Chairman (Stephen Fry): So, we’re agreed. France gets the city of Pinerolo and the Bishopric of Metz, and to Sweden goes Western Pomerania, Wismar, Stettin, and the islands of Rügen and Poel.
Sweden: Oh, lovely.
Chairman: And England, for applying within 28 days, gets this charming carriage clock.
England: Oh, thank you very much indeed. Very kind.
00:19
Chairman: Right, well I think that concludes our treaty. Uh, gentlemen? A toast. Peace in Europe.
All: Peace in Europe.
Chairman: Excellent.
00:26
Ambassador: Excuse me…
Chairman: Oh, what is it now? Why are you interrupting?
Ambassador: Forgive me, Ambassador, but… what about Luxembourg?
(The group looks down at the map in confusion)
Ambassador: You see, right… nobody owns Luxembourg.
Chairman: France, I thought you owned Luxembourg?
France (Hugh Laurie): No, we thought it was Dutch.
Chairman: Sweden?
Sweden: No, we thought it was Belgium.
Chairman: England?
England: Well, we just knew it was on the continent and didn’t give a toss, really.
00:44
Chairman: Hmm. Well, it looks as if Luxembourg has slipped through our net, doesn’t it? Well, we’ve got a country going up for grabs, anybody interested?
France: Is it Protestant?
Chairman: Mostly Catholic I believe.
France: Let’s just use it for storage.
Chairman: No, it’s not good—
France: No, that’s good, because it’s—
Chairman: No, it’s not good! Someone’s got to take it. Come on, who wants it? Wh-what’s it consist of?
01:01
Ambassador (reading form book): The small state of Luxembourg is a charming reminder of how Europe used to be. Plague victims crawl elegantly down its dung-filled streets, greasing the way with pus from their… buboes. While at least two children a week are burned as the devil in the handsome market square. The town boasts two taverns, one humorous dwarf, and a shop that sells little things made of straw.
England: Sounds like Stevenage.
01:34
Chairman: Well, um… who wants it then?
Sweden: Well we don’t want it. We’ve already got to do up West Pomerania, not to mention Wismar and Stettin.
France: France has no need of Luxembourg. Although I do quite like the sound of that shop selling little things made out of straw.
Sweden: Yes… yes, that shop is an economic bonus, isn’t it? Alright, I’ll take it. I’ll take it.
Chairman: Good. Excellent. So, Luxembourg goes to Sweden—
France: No no no, hold on, hold on! You can’t just give Sweden another province!
Chairman: But you didn’t want it!
France: Well… yeah, but that means they’ve now got Western Pomerania, Stettin, and Luxembourg! That’s not fair!
02:03
Sweden: We need Luxembourg to store our pickled herring!
France: Why can’t you store them in Sweden?
Sweden: Oh, the whiff!
France: You Swedes and your pickled herring. Why can’t you eat a proper fish?
Sweden: What’s wrong with pickled herring?
France: Nothing, if you’re Swedish.
Sweden: No, gentlemen, please— What is that supposed to mean?
France: No, well, come on. Just because we all hate the Germans doesn’t mean we have to like the Swedes.
Sweden: The Swedes are alright!
France: Well they hate you.
Sweden: No they don’t!
England: We don’t hate anybody.
France: Well you should! Makes life more fun.
02:30
Sweden: All we wanted to do was protect the Protestant princes!
France: Oh, really?
Sweden: Yeah, really!
France: You didn’t fancy just kicking some German arse?
Sweden: …That’s why we were there.
England: That’s what rather appealed to us, too.
02:42
Chairman: Gentlemen, please! Let’s not unravel the tapestry of this treaty, ere the shuttle has crossed the loom!
France: What?
Sweden: What?
Chairman: Let’s not… let’s not cock it up now, we’re so close. I… I have a proposal. Why not split Luxembourg in two? Sweden can get the East, and France the West.
France: Excellent.
Sweden: No, that’s good.
Ambassador: Sorry… sorry…
Chairman: Oh, what do you want now?!
Ambassador: Forgive me, Ambassador, but is it truly wise to divide a land in so wild and ragged a fashion? In future years there will be Swedish Luxembourgers and French Luxembourgers, Protestant and Catholic, both at each other’s throats!
03:16
Chairman: Oh well, I don’t know, I think that’ll give journalists of the future something to write about. No, I’m satisfied with this. I think… I think in the future all our petty squabbles over Europe will be forgotten. It’ll just be one… one huge state! Probably with a single currency!
(The group laughs heartily at the absurdity of the idea)
03:31
England: Uh, I’m going to have to opt out over that one I’m afraid. We’re more interested in our new colony in America.
Chairman: America? America. America has given us nothing but tobacco and potatoes and uh… that new high-grade narcotic that you’re so fond of. No, gentlemen. I think on the crucible of war, we have forged a new Europe. Right! So, who’s for a… pint? Half liter? Lager? Bitter?
England: Finest claret?
Sweden: Oh, I’d love a pickled herring.
(Groans from the table)
France: Swedes and your pickled herring! Honestly!
Sweden: Well it’s getting…
04:02
Ambassador: Forgive me…
Chairman: Oh, she’s back! What now?
Ambassador: Forgive me, Ambassador, but there is one more task. The savage land of the Balkans.
Chairman: Oh… coitus! We forgot the Balkans. Well look, here we are. One, two, three, there, look. Bosnia, Herzegovina, Kosovo, Greater Serbia. Is everyone satisfied?
All: Well done. Whatever. Yes.
Chairman: I think, gentlemen, we have guaranteed the peace and freedom of Europe for… forever.
All: Forever!
04:28
France (gesturing to the tray): May I say, Ambassador, that with this historic re-drafting of the European borders… you are really spoiling us.
(The Ambassador smiles. France takes a sip of wine)
France (pointing to the Ferrero Rocher pyramid): These, on the other hand, are revolting.
04:45
Narrator: And so, with lightened hearts but heavy irony, the treaty was signed.