Drug tests and false penises

2008-11-27

in Politics, Security

In another drug war skirmish, the owners of a company selling fake penises and urine for beating drug tests have pleaded guilty to charges of conspiracy in an American federal court. The situation demonstrates how any security situation generates countermeasures. Banning outside alcohol from football games led to the Beerbelly, just as submarine warfare led to aerial sub-hunting patrols and new convoy techniques. Of course, some threats and responses are higher-risk than others.

Surely, none are worthy of concerted government attention than ferreting out the recreational marijuana users (as opposed to the users of legal alcohol) from within the workforce.

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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

Anonymous November 27, 2008 at 9:24 pm

Marijuana *and* a fake cock?

That is the life!

Sarah November 27, 2008 at 10:08 pm

Wow, now I want a Beerbelly! It obviously has applications outside football games – concerts, for instance. D’you think they fit women?

Milan November 27, 2008 at 10:35 pm

The Beerbelly is certainly not exclusively for the use of men. That being said, the WineRack also bears consideration.

$29.95 and it holds 750ml of liquid.

Sarah November 28, 2008 at 12:55 am

I find the WineRack less convincing. Mind you, a woman wearing a Beerbelly could be interpreted as pregnant, & getting hammered while pregnant is grounds for arrest and assault charges in a number of US states.

Emily November 28, 2008 at 12:58 am

The Wine Rack is genius.

It should be noted, however, that women for thousands of years have been finding ways to booze on the sly. A smelly cross-dressing character in Aristophanes’ “Thesmophoriazusae” claims that they “use the hollow bandles of our brooms to draw up wine unbeknown to [their] husbands”.

There’s also a great line in the same play where the cross-dresser accidentally stabs a baby in its mothers arms, and seeing it bleed profusely he takes the body solemnly and discovers that it is actually just a skin of wine wrapped in a baby blanket.

“…blame no one but your mother for your death. But what does this mean? The little girl is nothing but a skin filled with wine!”

I think the lesson to be learned here is: “Trust no one. Because they’re probably secretly drunk and/or are sporting a fake penis with synthetic urine.”

:|

Milan December 1, 2008 at 11:59 am

Another novel security issue: authenticating vintage wines.

Here too, atomic testing is useful:

“So to get around this, a second test on the wine itself was devised by Philippe Hubert at the Centre for Nuclear Studies.

It uses a gamma ray detector to study the levels of radioactive particles in the wine, in this case caesium-137, that have been present in the atmosphere since the era of atomic weapons testing began after World War II…

The measurements show that caesium levels rise dramatically from 1951, reaching a peak at around the time of the Cuban Missile Crisis in 1962, and then dropping dramatically, reflecting the atmospheric test ban treaty agreed by Presidents Kennedy and Khrushchev in 1963.

The next spike in the data comes in 1986, caused by fall-out from the nuclear accident at Chernobyl.

“If you have an old wine, say from 1860, for example; if you see some caesium in such a bottle, then immediately you can tell that this bottle is a fake one.” “

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