Triceratops power

2011-04-01

in Canada, Politics

If my sources are to be believed, a major upheaval is about to occur in Canadian politics, with the emergence and near-certain electoral dominance of the Triceratops Party. They promise to be everything the Rhinoceros Party was times three, and more fossilized to boot.

While their party platform hasn’t been made public yet, I have been fortunate enough to see an advance copy. Some of the highlights:

  • Lacross stadiums for all swing ridings
  • Granting the Order of Canada to Muammar Qaddafi, for his services to the Department of National Defence (justification of costly weapons systems)
  • Supporting Canada’s ongoing effort to return the global climate to the state it occupied during the Late Cretaceous Period
  • The replacement of Canada’s $1000 candidate registration fee with a $1000 grant for anybody willing to run, as an addition to Canada’s Economic Action Plan
  • The appointment of the largest male and female moose that can be found as King and Queen of Canada (criminal cases henceforth to take the form Alces Rex v. Defendant)
  • Nationalization of the Hell’s Angels, to be merged with Atomic Energy of Canada Ltd.
  • Mandating 10% of the seats in the House of Commons and Senate for the Work Less Party
  • Replacement of those actual seats with La-Z-Boy style recliners
  • Allowing the under-16 children of backbenchers to vote on behalf of their MP parents
  • Granting aristocratic titles to the unemployed, as a way of bolstering their spirits (for instance, Duke, Earl, Baroness, etc)
  • Granting all Canadians the right to live for free in Vancouver for a year, on a rotating basis – and applying a corresponding obligation to live in Ottawa
  • Pre-emptively removing the polar bear from the $2 coin, so people will be less sad when they go extinct
  • Re-locating the provinces alphabetically, from west to east, to aid schoolchildren in memorizing them
  • Re-naming all provincial capitals ‘Alberta City’, ‘Manitoba City’, etc for the same reason
  • Criminalizing public nudity and pre-marital sex among non-human animals
  • Allowing the appointment of corporations to the senate, as well as the post of Governor General
  • Banning fighting and bodychecking from hockey, substituting freestyle rap battles
  • Requiring MPs to pass a short quiz on the contents of a bill, before they can vote on it
  • Two free cups of coffee per day for all Canadians, to bolster productivity
  • Creating the false impression in the United States that Canada is an absolute monarchy threatened by jihadists, then using the billions of dollars in aid to reduce university tuition
  • Replacement of the maple leaf at the centre of the Canadian flag with a stylized triceratops head
  • Prohibiting echolocation by bats, since it gives them an unfair advantage
  • Requiring all British Columbian provincial premiers to change their name to ‘Amor De Cosmos’ for the duration of their time in power
  • Putting giant papier mache birthday cakes on top of Canada’s nuclear power stations, to make them look more festive and less frightening
  • Destroying a couple of random asteroids, in order to deter any others that might be considering crashing into the Earth
  • Eliminating the laws against slander and libel, while creating a legal obligation for public figures to have a sense of humour
  • Incentives to encourage wombats and platypodes to immigrate to Canada

The party is open to platform suggestions, so please consider providing some as comments.

Report a typo or inaccuracy

{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

Sasha April 1, 2011 at 7:57 pm

“Banning fighting and bodychecking from hockey, substituting freestyle rap battles.”

Haha, excellent.

Sarah April 1, 2011 at 10:47 pm

“Creating the false impression in the United States that Canada is an absolute monarchy threatened by jihadists, then using the billions of dollars in aid to reduce university tuition”

This is one of the best ideas I’ve heard in ages.

alena April 2, 2011 at 10:23 pm

That is hilarious; I especially like “granting aristocratic titles to the unemployed to boost their spirits. You have a clever mind. Why does our upcoming election seem so blah and uninspired?

Milan April 3, 2011 at 12:47 am

It’s a very cost-effective intervention.

Putting a roof over someone’s head and feeding them can cost thousands of dollars, every year. Declaring them ‘Duchess of Hornby Street’ is a small one-off expense. Much better suited to the current mood of fiscal restraint.

. April 10, 2011 at 10:26 pm

Perky ‘Canada’ Has Own Government, Laws
May 7, 1996 | ISSUE 29•17

It’s Monday morning, and Toronto resident Steve Dorman shares a quick breakfast of “eggs” (a native food) with his “wife” (an officially state-sanctioned mate), and discusses yesterday’s poor showing by the hometown team in “baseball” (a popular local sport). After a kiss on his wife’s cheek, he hops on the “subway train” (a mode of subterranean transport) to the office.

This is life in exotic Canada City, the capital set deep in the heart of the mysterious land known as Canada (pronounced CAN-a-da).

. April 30, 2011 at 10:45 am

Rhinoceros Party of Canada

From party to party till victory

Leave a Comment

You can use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>

Previous post:

Next post: